El Douche

Today I would like to share with you the story of El Douche.

A short and frail man, El Douche didn't have many friends. Cursed with a horrible skin condition, El Douche also didn't have any women. He was a horrid and sad little man, with little in the world except el house and el car to his name. For work, El Douche shoveled horse manure at the local el rancho. Bitter and unsatisfied with this lowly job, El Douche dreamed of bigger things. His greatest dream was to move to El New York City and find work at the one place he loved. El Statue of Liberty.

El Douche would stare in to space for hours on end, shoveling horse manure and trying not to gag over the intense fumes. Over and over in his head he could see scrubbing each of the 354 stairs to the crown of El Statue with love and tender care. It seemed as though he would never make it to El New York City.

On a cold day in late November, El Douche left his house to go to El Grocery Store for milk, cornbread, and toothpaste. He gathered his items with great haste, trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the store. El Douche jumped in El Car and drove for El House. Looking forward to a night filled with dreams of a life he couldn't figure out how to get, he didn't even notice that there was smoke. He arrived home to find his entire house had burnt to the ground. "El house! El house is burning!" he cried with anguish to the sky, "why does el shit always happen to me?!?!"

Two days later El Douche was sitting on the magic fingers bed at el Local Crappy Motel. The phone rang, he answered it.

"Is this El Douche?"

"Si."

"Sir, I am from El Insurance Company. I am calling to let you know that the policy on your house is due to be paid in full after the horrific fire you had. Turns out the cause of the fire was lightning. You should receive a check for $100,000 dollars in the mail in the next 2 weeks."

"Ay Carumba! My house is making me rich!" El Douche exclaimed. In his excitement, he started jumping up and down and hung up the phone. "Finally, I will be able to move to El New York! I will get to see El Statue of Liberty!" El Douche immediately started packing the few things he had scattered about El Local Crappy Motel in a ratty plaid suitcase. 9 days later his check arrived. He cashed it immediately and purchased a ticket on El Greyhound to El New York.

Upon arrival in El New York, El Douche was amazed at the commotion. Cars, lights, people....compared to El Small Town he came from, this was insanity! El Douche was not dissuaded. He immediately found a tiny, but cozy studio apartment in Queens. Because of his check, he had money to pay 6 months rent in advance. He also bought some furniture, clothes, and food. Determined to have his dream job, he practiced scrubbing the stairs of his apartment.

Finally, 3 weeks after first laying eyes on El New York, he decided he was ready. He had practiced his stair cleaning techniques over and over and over. Now was the time. He picked up the paper and scoured the classifieds, seeking his perfect job. There, listed under janitorial, was an opening at El Statue. It seemed too good to be true.

He caught a train and made his way to El Statue. He walked in, carrying the torn out newspaper classified in his shaking hand. He could barely contain his excitement. He walked up to the girl sitting at El Desk.

"I am here for the job cleaning the stairs at this magnificent beautiful statue. I have waited my whole life for this opportunity."

"Oh, I see, sir. Can I get you to fill out this application for employment, please?"

"Si."

El Douche was trembling with anticipation. He took the application, securely fastened to a clip board. The piece of string, taped to the cheap bic pen, was hardly long enough for him to fill out the form. He fastidiously filled in all of the fields, and triple checked all of his answers. He did not want to screw up this application for the job he had always wanted. Taking a deep breath, he stood, walked back to the desk, and handed the application to the girl.

"I am done."

"Thank you so much, uh......El Douche. Oh." the girl responded with a tone of disappointment. "Is this your birth name?"

"Si. I am the son of Una Douche."

"Sir, I am very sorry to say. This country has banned all Douches from employment. You can't work here. I am very sorry."

El Douche was crushed. His lifelong dream squashed by a name. He walked slowly out of El Statue and returned to El Crappy Apartment.