El Douche

Today I would like to share with you the story of El Douche.

A short and frail man, El Douche didn't have many friends. Cursed with a horrible skin condition, El Douche also didn't have any women. He was a horrid and sad little man, with little in the world except el house and el car to his name. For work, El Douche shoveled horse manure at the local el rancho. Bitter and unsatisfied with this lowly job, El Douche dreamed of bigger things. His greatest dream was to move to El New York City and find work at the one place he loved. El Statue of Liberty.

El Douche would stare in to space for hours on end, shoveling horse manure and trying not to gag over the intense fumes. Over and over in his head he could see scrubbing each of the 354 stairs to the crown of El Statue with love and tender care. It seemed as though he would never make it to El New York City.

On a cold day in late November, El Douche left his house to go to El Grocery Store for milk, cornbread, and toothpaste. He gathered his items with great haste, trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the store. El Douche jumped in El Car and drove for El House. Looking forward to a night filled with dreams of a life he couldn't figure out how to get, he didn't even notice that there was smoke. He arrived home to find his entire house had burnt to the ground. "El house! El house is burning!" he cried with anguish to the sky, "why does el shit always happen to me?!?!"

Two days later El Douche was sitting on the magic fingers bed at el Local Crappy Motel. The phone rang, he answered it.

"Is this El Douche?"

"Si."

"Sir, I am from El Insurance Company. I am calling to let you know that the policy on your house is due to be paid in full after the horrific fire you had. Turns out the cause of the fire was lightning. You should receive a check for $100,000 dollars in the mail in the next 2 weeks."

"Ay Carumba! My house is making me rich!" El Douche exclaimed. In his excitement, he started jumping up and down and hung up the phone. "Finally, I will be able to move to El New York! I will get to see El Statue of Liberty!" El Douche immediately started packing the few things he had scattered about El Local Crappy Motel in a ratty plaid suitcase. 9 days later his check arrived. He cashed it immediately and purchased a ticket on El Greyhound to El New York.

Upon arrival in El New York, El Douche was amazed at the commotion. Cars, lights, people....compared to El Small Town he came from, this was insanity! El Douche was not dissuaded. He immediately found a tiny, but cozy studio apartment in Queens. Because of his check, he had money to pay 6 months rent in advance. He also bought some furniture, clothes, and food. Determined to have his dream job, he practiced scrubbing the stairs of his apartment.

Finally, 3 weeks after first laying eyes on El New York, he decided he was ready. He had practiced his stair cleaning techniques over and over and over. Now was the time. He picked up the paper and scoured the classifieds, seeking his perfect job. There, listed under janitorial, was an opening at El Statue. It seemed too good to be true.

He caught a train and made his way to El Statue. He walked in, carrying the torn out newspaper classified in his shaking hand. He could barely contain his excitement. He walked up to the girl sitting at El Desk.

"I am here for the job cleaning the stairs at this magnificent beautiful statue. I have waited my whole life for this opportunity."

"Oh, I see, sir. Can I get you to fill out this application for employment, please?"

"Si."

El Douche was trembling with anticipation. He took the application, securely fastened to a clip board. The piece of string, taped to the cheap bic pen, was hardly long enough for him to fill out the form. He fastidiously filled in all of the fields, and triple checked all of his answers. He did not want to screw up this application for the job he had always wanted. Taking a deep breath, he stood, walked back to the desk, and handed the application to the girl.

"I am done."

"Thank you so much, uh......El Douche. Oh." the girl responded with a tone of disappointment. "Is this your birth name?"

"Si. I am the son of Una Douche."

"Sir, I am very sorry to say. This country has banned all Douches from employment. You can't work here. I am very sorry."

El Douche was crushed. His lifelong dream squashed by a name. He walked slowly out of El Statue and returned to El Crappy Apartment.

Fill in the blank with......

The word of the day is........diphthong!

First, what it really means:
–noun
1. Phonetics. an unsegmentable, gliding speech sound varying continuously in phonetic quality but held to be a single sound or phoneme and identified by its apparent beginning and ending sound, as the oi-sound of toy or boil.
2. (not in technical use) a. a digraph, as the ea of meat.
b. a ligature, as æ.

–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
3. to diphthongize.

But....it's such a freakin funny word I decided to use it different. :)

So I got the cutest diphthong at the mall last night!
Man, that guy is such a diphthong.
Shut up and stop diphthonging around!
You can't leave the table until you've eaten all of your diphthong.
What the diphthong?
Don't make me turn this diphthong around!
NO returns or exchanges on ANY diphthongs.
I can't believe that her diphthong was hanging out like that.
I am such a stupid dipthong!
I had to diphthongize my car because it wouldn't start.
I can't hear any diphthong you are saying!
I'll have 2 diphthongs and a coke, please.
Shipping of your diphthong will take 4-6 weeks.
Ask me about my diphthong!
Did you diphthongize the dishes?
How many diphthongs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
If I had a diphthong for every time you've said that, I'd be rich!
If you can't keep your diphthong to yourself, I will have to separate you two.
Can you just not be a diphthong for a minute?
My diphthong just got home from work!

Cars suck butt.

Today I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to take my car in to the doctor. Apparently, the passenger side tie rod was screwed up. Which makes, like, pretty much no sense, since I just replaced that particular tie rod about a year ago. Long story short, dumping a ton of money on your car is always a good time. I was so angry this morning, I was slamming things around, and cussing, and of course everything that happened was pretty much an affront to my entire existence. Luckily, my little sister let me bitch...and bitch.....and bitch. Then she took me out to lunch. I thought of putting a sign around my neck that said "I'm in a bad mood....tread lightly" but then my sister suggested that she just order for me so I didn't have to actually talk to anybody. It worked, I did not yell at any dumbasses all day long.

I Heart Dennis!

My friend Dennis is just about the funniest motherfucker on the face of the planet. Not only funny online, (like so many douchebags can be), Dennis is truly and utterly hilarious in the flesh as well. Today Dennis posted some truly ridiculous and hilarious goodies on my myspace, and it prompted me to share this oldie (but totes goodie) story about Dennis.
Dennis and I went to the Northgate Mall in search of patches (like, to sew on clothes or whatever.) that were sweet for this hat I had gotten. Disappointed by the selection of patches at Northgate (i.e. none) we got in my car to head off to another shopping destination. We were leaving the parking lot when we spotted this cute little Asian chick wearing ketchup red pants (they were like jeans, actually, but ketchup read) a mustard yellow shirt, and a red and yellow little Hello Kitty backpack. And it was kind of one of those little backpacks that are stupid and I won't wear, but whatever. She was so funny, we started giggling and I drove out of the parking lot. Dennis turns to me and says, "You know, when I get dressed in the morning there's a little inner dialogue going on like, 'ok, I'm gonna wear these pants, this belt, this shirt, those shoes...' I'll bet that girl woke up this morning and was like, "Ahhh....today I will wear. Red.....Yerrow.....eh Herro Kitty!" I almost wrecked my car because I was laughing so hard my left eye would not stay open, so I had no depth perception.

Dennis, I love you.

Harry Potter and stuff

This is my obligatory Harry Potter blog. In anticipation of the release of the 7th book, my sister and I have made absolutely no plans for Saturday, so hopefully the mail man will bring a big fat bundle of Harry Potter joy. What happens after that, you might ask? I believe it will be a frantic race to the finish line between me and my sister. I would like to make a little wager that we will finish the book before midnight Sunday. I think we can do it. If only I didn't have to have a job, I would be done by noon. I know this makes me a complete tar tar, but unfortunately, it's super duper uber fun to get caught up in the hype. And it's also fun to be a complete nerd. And for all you suckas that didn't preorder? Have fun in line, bitches.

Ahhh....the aroma of Tacoma

Tacoma is a cute little town. Why does it have to smell so funny? And why are the valet parking guys at the Sheraton so retarded? I had to valet park my car there in order to meet up with Kriss Silva (who is rad) and help her with her class. I was walking away after I dropped off my car and I heard the alarm go off. I chuckled a little, because it's pretty dang funny when it's not you and I kept walking. About a block later, I still heard the alarm going off, so I turned around. I actually had to help the dude turn off the car alarm. So I went, helped Kriss, and went to pick up my car. They brought it up to me with the alarm going off. The guy says, "what's the point of that alarm? It goes off when you start the car!" and I said, "Uhhh...I don't know. It's never happened to me before." You would think guys that valet park cars would be able to figure it out. You know, don't push the little red panic button on the side of the key when you start the car? Doesn't seem like rocket science, but then again, I am no rocket scientist.

Like, seriously.

It's hot. Like sweating and wishing I was standing in the freezer aisle at the grocery hot. What the hell is going on? Where the hell do I live? Did we fall in to some third level of hell? Is this the apocolypse? I went to Target tonight to try and buy some fans, but due to the ridonky donk heat, they were completely sold out. Not discouraged, I proceeded with my trusty roommate to Home Depot where we picked up 3 fans. This dude laughed at us. Like he doesn't have fans and/or air conditioning at home. Dick. This better let up soon, or I will have to go crazy on that ball of fire in the sky that causes these problems. Damn. I'm hot.

blog?

My New Year's resolution (in July) is to start blogging. Today's blog will be about blogging. It's kind of a weird thing, blogging. And a weird word. Blog. Try it out a little bit. It's strange.

I decided today after a trip downtown to the ol' Pike Place Market that mostly, I just hate people. It's a sad thing, I feel like I generally go out of my way to be nice to people and courteous, not just of their space, but also of their sense of smell. Unfortunately for me, not too many people at the market felt the same way. One more person steps in front of me or shoves me and I might just about lose it. Luckily, good natured family and friends make all of the difference. And stop me from kicking people in public places. Which in turn probably keeps me from getting arrested.